Question: Is a parent responsible for school staff’s feelings, in advocating for a child via email so documented communication? Is the staff’s feelings to be of primary focus as opposed to supporting the child?
The short answer: No. Sometimes yes. It can be complicated.
When you’re advocating for your child’s needs at school, especially through emails and other documented communication, it’s important to keep a few things in mind: collaborating in good faith, communicating clearly and assertively, and being strategic about your rights and responsibilities.
Good Faith Collaboration
Your main job as a parent advocate is to focus on what your child needs. Part of this involves constructively working with school staff. This means engaging openly, listening to the school’s perspective, and aiming to work together on solutions that benefit your child. While it’s great to have a good working relationship with school staff, your priority is your child’s needs, especially in situations that impact their safety and well-being. You don’t need to manage the feelings of school staff, but rather ensure that your child gets the support they need while fulfilling your obligations as a parent.
Clear and Assertive Communication
Emails are a great way to record your communication and ensure things are clear. When you’re advocating for your child, it’s crucial to be assertive in your emails, which expressing your concerns and requests in a firm but respectful manner. It’s about being direct and specific about your child’s needs and the support you’re looking for, so the school understands the urgency and importance of the situation.
Strategic Advocacy within Your Rights and Responsibilities
To be an effective advocate, it’s important to be strategic. This means understanding your rights as a parent and your child’s right to access their education. Being strategic involves knowing when to be persistent and how to frame your requests to get the best outcome. While maintaining a collaborative relationship with the school is ideal, there are times when you might need to stand firm to make sure your child’s needs are met.
Balancing Advocacy and Sensitivity
It’s not your job to manage the feelings of school staff, but being mindful of how you communicate can help ensure that problems are resolved swiftly. This can be beneficial in building ongoing support for your child. The goal isn’t to avoid upsetting anyone but to ensure that your child’s needs are effectively addressed. When talking about sensitive issues, such as safety or well-being, be straightforward about the urgency and seriousness while keeping a respectful tone.
Communicating When Tensions Are High
Sometimes, despite your best efforts to collaborate and communicate clearly, tensions can still run high. This can happen when discussing sensitive issues or when there’s disagreement about what’s best for your child. It’s natural to feel frustrated or even overwhelmed in these moments, but how you handle communication when things get heated can make a big difference. Here are some tips for navigating these challenging situations:
Do:
Take a Pause Before Responding: If you receive an email that feels upsetting or frustrating, take a pause before responding. This can help you approach the situation with a clear mind.
Stick to the Facts: Focus on the specific issues and facts rather than emotions. Outline what you’ve observed, what’s been discussed, and what you’d like to see happen next. This keeps the conversation grounded and productive.
Use “I” Statements: Frame your concerns from your perspective using “I” statements. For example, “I am concerned about my child’s safety because…” This can help prevent the other person from feeling defensive.
Acknowledge Their Perspective: Showing that you’ve heard and understood the school staff’s perspective can help lower tension. You don’t have to agree, but acknowledging their point of view can open the door for more productive discussions.
Don’t:
Respond in Anger: Avoid responding immediately if you’re feeling angry or upset. Take the time to cool down so that your communication remains constructive and focused on your child’s needs.
Make It Personal: Try not to make the conversation about the person you’re communicating with. Focus on the issues and what’s best for your child rather than personalizing the disagreement.
Overwhelm with Emotion: While it’s natural to feel strong emotions when advocating for your child, try not to let those emotions overwhelm your communication. Staying focused and clear will help you be more effective.
Assume Negative Intent: Try not to assume that the school staff is intentionally being difficult or uncooperative. Approaching the conversation with the belief that everyone wants what’s best for your child can help keep things moving in the right direction.
Actions That Can Lead to Tension—and How to Remedy Them
It’s also important to acknowledge that sometimes parents, in their understandable frustration and advocacy for their child, might cross lines in communication that can lead to tension with school staff. If you’ve been told that your emails are not respectful, or you find yourself constantly at odds with school staff, it might be time to reassess how you’re communicating. Here are some actions that can contribute to tension, and what you can do to remedy the situation.
Actions That Lead to Tension:
Using Accusatory Language: When emails or conversations come off as blaming or accusing, it can put school staff on the defensive. This can escalate tensions and hinder productive dialogue.
Being Overly Emotional: While your concerns are valid, letting emotions drive your emails can make it hard for others to engage with your concerns. This often results in communication breakdowns.
Frequent and Long Emails: Sending multiple emails in quick succession or overly lengthy emails can overwhelm recipients, making it harder for them to respond effectively.
How to Remedy These Situations:
Shift Your Language: Instead of accusatory language, use more neutral phrasing. For example, instead of saying, “You never do what you promise,” try, “I noticed that the plan we discussed hasn’t been implemented yet. Can we discuss what might be causing the delay?”
Pause Before Sending: If you’re feeling strong emotions, write your email, but don’t send it. Revisit it after some time to ensure the tone is constructive.
Be Concise: Keep emails focused and to the point. Use bullet points to make your main concerns clear and manageable. This makes it easier for the recipient to address your concerns.
Acknowledge Their Efforts: Even if things are challenging, acknowledge the efforts that are being made. A simple “Thank you for your attention to this matter” can go a long way in building positive relationships.
Reflect and Apologize if Needed: If you recognize that your communication might have been disrespectful or overly harsh, consider apologizing. An apology doesn’t mean you’re backing down on your advocacy – it means you’re committed to a productive dialogue. For example, “I realize my previous email may have come across more strongly than I intended. My focus is on finding the best solution for my child, and I appreciate your collaboration.”
Understanding Respectful Workplace Policies
Another important aspect of this conversation is that school districts have respectful workplace policies that apply to everyone interacting with school staff, including parents. These policies are about ensuring a safe and respectful environment for employees and cover issues like bullying, harassment, and violence. If a parent’s communication or behaviour is deemed to be contributing to an unsafe workplace, the principal of the school has the authority to limit or restrict that parent’s access to the school in various ways.
It’s important to understand that in these situations, the intent of the parent is often less important than the impact their behaviour has on the safety and well-being of the school staff. If your advocacy leads to staff feeling disrespected or unsafe in the workplace, these policies allow schools to take swift action to address the issue. Unfortunately, there is usually little recourse for parents once a district decides to take these steps to protect their employees.
Keeping your communications clear, respectful, and focused on your child’s needs helps you advocate more effectively and avoid this dynamic with the school.
Tips for Writing Effective Emails
Now that we’ve covered some strategies for managing high-tension situations and how to remedy communication issues, let’s look at some practical tips for writing effective emails to advocate for your child.
- Start with a Clear Subject Line: Use a straightforward subject line that reflects the main point of your email, like “Request for Support for [Child’s Name]” or “Follow-Up on IEP Meeting for [Child’s Name].”
- Keep It Focused: Stick to one main topic per email. If you have several concerns, consider sending separate emails or clearly outlining each topic within one email.
- Be Concise and Specific: Clearly state the purpose of your email and what you’re requesting. Include relevant details but keep it to the point.
- Use Professional Language: Keep your tone professional. Avoid using all caps, excessive punctuation, or emotionally charged language.
- Be Direct but Respectful: Clearly express your concerns. For example, “I’m concerned about [specific issue] and would like to request [specific action or support].”
- Include Relevant Information: Provide any background information or context that supports your request, like specific incidents or references to previous communications.
- Request a Response: Ask for a response or a timeline for when you can expect one. This helps set expectations and ensures your email is acknowledged.
- End with a Positive Note: Wrap up your email by thanking the recipient for their time and consideration, and express your hope for a collaborative solution.
Your focus should always be on your child’s safety, well-being, and educational needs. Your role is to communicate those needs clearly and assertively while working in good faith with the school. You’re not responsible for managing the emotions of school staff, but you do want to be intentional about how you communicate. By understanding your rights, communicating effectively, and being strategic, you can set yourself up to ensure your advocacy efforts are as effective as possible.